Broken Hearted

So I've tried to tell myself over and over again that I didn't have any feelings for my kids father. But unfortunately I did and they ended up kicking me in my ass. I decided that after three years of being apart, a new baby and mother also, that I would give it another try. So officially we weren't together as a couple but basically playing the role as one. He told me he had broken up with his new girlfriend/mother of child and was moving back, and wanted to work it out with me. Really selling me a dream; telling me he wanted me, he loved me, he made a mistake, he fucked up, wanted to make me happy, move with me, and even marriage and a baby if I wanted to. Foolish of me to think he was serious or really cared and wanted a family with me and our kids. But after two months of getting along and thinking things was good shit started to change. The so called ex started calling my phone starting shit, but I ignored it and didn't say anything. Next, we get into it and I later find out that he lied to me about everything. To come find out he was never single and had no intention of making anything happen with myself or kids. He was telling her that "me and him" were nothing and never will be, how he didn't want me, he only wanted off child support and other BS. Even going as far as telling me that I messed up any chances of him being able to get back with her. So it was just one slap in the face after another, because I feel so stupid for falling for the BS. He now acts like I have no reason to be mad, because we wasn't a couple and he was only here for a month. But I have every reason to be mad, be upset, because he had me thinking I was the one for him. He just continues to laugh like this is a joke and I was just something to fuck for the time being. When I say my feelings are crushed is an understatement, because I thought things would be different but boy was I wrong. And to think I wanted to be in a relationship and even considered the thought of marriage. Like they say you have to learn a lesson the hard way to make you wake up and see the actual outcome. Well, I learned my lesson the hard way, because this feeling is unbearable and I am continually crying when I don't want to. I can't keep putting my kids and self through the same drama and giving them false hopes. So I guess it's back to the basics, just me and my kids for now and allow love to find me this time.

What is Love Really?

I have been through a lot with my kids father over the past few years. In the beginning it was okay because I think I was feeling how being in love felt. But in all reality I don't think I was really in love to begin with. In the beginning it was all good but after all the glitter went away I saw the truth. Now that I look back at the relationship, I regret ever messing with him in the first place. Only because it was signs then that i didn't pay attention to. Like he was a jerk and was full of himself when we were just friends and I didn't really like him then either. But I got two beautiful children out of the relationship that I cherish with all my heart and wouldn't know what to do if they weren't here. As the years go by I realize that I was putting myself down over and over again. I tried staying with him for the kids and i was close to his sister, but I was so miserable inside but didn't know how to change or let it go. I've experienced physical and emotional abuse for the first time with him and the feeling wasn't for me but I stayed. When I see other women stay in abusive relationships I feel bad for them because I was once in one myself but I seen what it was doing to myself and kids. In my relationship with him I spent my every minute/time with him, began to stop going out, hanging with friends and other numerous things. I regret letting someone have so much power over my life, I have learned that it's not healthy to put yourself in a situation like that. I began to become a different person, I didn't like or enjoy doing anything, kept to myself, was angry all the time and just in a negative mind set. I've done things that I cannot take back and wish I would've thought more before I done them, but you learn from your mistakes. I am starting to get my life back after 3 years and I am beginning to to like the woman I am becoming. I want to set a good example for my children to look up to. Don't want them to think that it's right to be treated that way and what love is. With all this being said I'm growing up and learning to love myself first before I let anyone else love me, because if you don't love yourself first then you wont know what love is when it comes around to find you.